i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
