Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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