i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls