In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.