There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing