My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
