he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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