so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
