You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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