i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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