it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
