Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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