how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
