Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
