Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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