you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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