Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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