Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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