I must be too annoying 4 u.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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