my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's always time for handjobs
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
