You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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