Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
