Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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