Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
