this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
