yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
