She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
