There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.