I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
