I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
