I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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