im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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