So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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