The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
