dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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