After last night, I could never be a politician.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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