I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
