You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
