this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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