I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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