Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
