If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
