There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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