i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
