They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
