I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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