I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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