and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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