if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
