i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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