Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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