Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
