I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
