I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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