Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I could fuck to npr.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
