I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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