just come out here and I will go home with you...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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