so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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