I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
