I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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