Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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