I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
