At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
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Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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