I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
